By Jason
    June 4th, 2008 at 7:00 pm

When we last gathered, 2XD had just discovered the one article, the authoritative digest if you will, discussing the legend of the BFT.  We rejoin our fearless hero, D-Squared himself, as he is venturing into a place few have ever gone. A place so lustful, no man who has ventured out there, has ever returned.  (Which probably has more to do with the fact that no man has ever ventured out there, but I figured putting it the way I did made it seem more suspenseful.)  The time has come to enter… The Grotto… Continue reading Des Moines Dude and the Secret of the BFT: Of Fire and Romance…

    By Jason
    May 27th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

Chapter 2: Some Research Research

We apologize for the break in the action yesterday, but, like everywhere else in the nation, TDL was celebrating Memorial Day and therefore, closed for service. BUT, now we're back and better than ever. With that, we give you the latest chapter of TDL's most anticipated feature outside of the other 6 or 7, Des Moines Dude and the Secret of the BFT. We last left our hero standing in the halls of U5NGC, facing the daunting task of searching through the Playboy archive. We now rejoin DD, somewhere in the depths of his secret research lair. (I mean, it's really Dude's living room, but you know, that doesn't sound nearly as exciting.) … Continue reading Des Moines Dude and the Secret of the BFT: A Little Light Reading……

    By Jason
    May 21st, 2008 at 11:16 am

Chapter 1, Part 2.  The Rest of the Introduction…

For the unaware, "Des Moines Dude" is a continuing parodic series LOOSELY based on Indiana Jones.  (Des Moines Dude?  Ok..It's a little funny!!  Alright. It sucks. I know. It was the best I came up with at the time and now I'm stuck with it, ok?  Deal!)  When we  last left our fearless hero, Des Moines Dude had just come into contact with a curious 8 year old 20 year old who had an urgent message for him.  This pre-pubescent Irish 20-something-er was about to relay some information regarding a certain secret.  Well, not "a" secret, per se, rather,  "the" secret; the secret of the  BFT.  We now pick up the story in the halls of the University of 500 West Glass-Cock County, where this exchange is taking place right outside Professor Dude's "Ancient Ugandan Symbolism and Metaphors for Modern Readers" class… Continue reading Des Moines Dude and the Secret of the "BFT" (Chapter 1, Part 2)…

    By Jason
    May 13th, 2008 at 5:00 pm

Some tales can be so harrowing, the reader is left with such an abundance of fear that he literally has trouble sleeping because of it. Other tales can elicit such emotions that upon finishing the last pages, the reader is overcome by this sense of cathartic release. Unfortunately, this isn't any of those. No, this tale, for lack of a better explanation, is simply ridiculous. But as they say in the old country, "that's how we roll, son!" As you read this story, you may be overcome by a sense of emotion, or you may even show some physical symptoms of illness. Worry not, however. Chances are, none of those symptoms will have any relation to the ridiculousness that is to follow. For those of you that hang on until the end, all I can say is, I'm sorry. Now, on to the story.  (A quick aside…  Think "Indiana Jones" when you're reading this. I'm getting the same reaction from people that I had the first time I watched 12 oz Mouse.) Continue reading Des Moines Dude and the Secret of the BFT…

    By Jason
    May 8th, 2008 at 3:44 pm

Greetings fellow dudes. When I originally set out to write today's entry, I had planned this whole article with Murph where we were going to discuss when it would be appropriate to go to a baby/wedding shower. However, because of all the libelous claims that are being made by my fellow morons, I decided to devote this week's column to putting an end to this rumored Chablis drinking and discuss not only acceptable beverages to consume at a sporting event, but also proper conduct at that event. As you become more comfortable with how this column works, check in on the debate in the comment section as I need dude-ish input on this subject.  In any event, on with today's discussion.

Continue reading The Fraternal Order Of Men: White Zin And A Waltz?…

    By Murph
    April 30th, 2008 at 2:10 am

hello, tdl readers. you know, in america today we face a serious crisis. we are fast becoming the fattest nation on earth. our growing girth will have long term ramifications on our nation as a whole. it will affect our health care system which will in turn affect our economy, real estate prices will soar b/c we'll need more room to accomodate our fat asses and so on and so forth. seriously, its a problem. we here at tdl are no exception. i myself am doing my part and carrying some extra cargo around, much to my chagrin.

no what can we do to stop this you ask ? well you can put down the junk food and start working out. but murph, you ask, which workout should i do ? this is a good question, and there's no set answer. people join gyms they dont go to, buy equipment they don't use, and are afraid thier neighbors will laugh at them if they are spied jogging around lookin like a manatee on ice skates. there are the do-at-home workout dvds. which one to choose ? there are so many in the exercise dept. at target, on tv, at sports auth. all over. some work, some are totally ridiculous, and some are fraudulent. people find it difficult to stick with them, as they get repetitive and people need to keep it fresh.  but my fellow americans, i, your friendly neighborhood murph has come to your aid. i have found the workout video that will never get old, will always be fun, and have SERIOUS benefits for you. this will add to your quality of life like no other. i am talking about the jenna jameson home work out system.
Continue reading Solving the Crisis…

    By Murph
    March 22nd, 2008 at 9:37 pm

so its a sat night, and that, for me, means that there is some form of boxing on calble tv. I'm a boxing fan, and I've often wondered how these guys get into that line of work. Lets face it, its a job in which somebody is trying to kick your ass, so it's not the safest of professions. Got me thinking about all the odd jobs out there that people engage in. Boxing has a big payoff if you;re good, so i get it. Seeing as how there are many odd jobs out there, this may become a srial column here at The Dude's Life.  Tonight i ponder the fate of a very odd job, that of the proctologist.A proctologist is, for lack of a better term, is an ass doctor. The deal with the ass, and all medical maladies conatined therein.  How does one get into that specialty?  I mean you go to college, bust your hump to get into med school, which isnt like getting into law school, i mean med school won't just take anyone after all. Its hard, and then you go thru four years of med school, do your internship and reisdency, and you choose to be an ass doctor ? Come on man, did you piss someone off ? bang the head of the hospital's daughter or something?  I mean, a foot doctor i can see, but an ass doctor? lookin at 'roids and busted up cornholes all day? seriously ? half a mil in education to scrape thru crusted poop to see if someones got somethin wrong with their tush-pipe? I know that they spot cancer and thats good stuff, but other than that, i mean who wants to spend every day bustin out the anal probe right after their morning coffee? I cant even imagine that day. You show up, your patients come in, and they get up there and spread the cheeks. That can't be pleasant, b/c I doubt that many of them are porn-quality. And by porn quality i mean those butts aren't a) tight and firm, b)shaved down, and c) cleaned to where they can be on camera.  You must never know what you're going to get when john q. citizen  off the street drops his or her drawers.   I can't even imagine what a proctologist sees. He must get in there and be confronted with crazy crack-fur, dingleberries, some poo-remnants, not to mention the roids, zits, and the stank. I'm sure that some even get farted and even pooped on by their patients.  I cant even imagine what how a doctor could deal with that all day long. I really dont get it.  The money must be great, b/c i couldnt deal with that. The human anus isnt the prettiest thing on the planet, and they wade right in and get down in there, day in, day out.  I dont even look at my own cornhole in the mirror b.c i'm afrauid of what i'll see, so i cant even imagine looking at anybody else's for a living.  any thoughts on this would be appreciated by our readers…..

    By Murph
    March 16th, 2008 at 10:18 pm

alritey, loyal TDL readers, I have returned.  I am soldiering on, trudging forward, fighting the good fight, etc etc., trying to keep this blog alive, performing cpr on it even though the body has already begun to decay.  I shan't give up hope that this blog will become a huge hit on the innerweb, i shan't ! 

                     I have a story that i think all dudes and dudettes can relate to, s it is one born of an activity common to us all, that of driving our nation's highways. Putting ourselves in our vehicles on a stretch of super-fast federal pavement and driving like maniacs, b/c we go where we wanna go, and thats just how it is in this country.  We all have our driving stories, some about crazy ass gas in a toyota tercel with 9 people jammed in for 1000 miles, we've all hit the backwoods gas staion where the numbers on the pumps are still the plastic rotating dials whose "store" is manned by a one eyed fellow named Cap'n who hands you the bathroom key attached to some piece of wood which you swear has bloodstains on it, we've all been stranded on the side of the road when the tire on the tow-trailer of the moving truck they rented from ryder blew out about 2 miles from the Florida border on I-10, and randall the portable tire man comes by and says "son, they shouldn't have even let you drive with that thing" as you were parked in the Escambia county welocme center parking lot at 2 in the afternoon with the sun beating down on you on May 27th, 2001. Stuff that happens to everyone.  Well this isn't one of those stories, mi amigos. Oh no. This is a story straight from the "this shit only happens to me" zone.
Continue reading A Day In the Life: Poop On the Highway…

    By Jason
    May 26th, 2007 at 7:02 pm

Radar detectors have to be among the greatest things ever invented; electricity, running water, and radar detectors, in that order. I am absolutely convinced of this. In fact, when running down the list of things that I believe to be absolutely true, the greatness of the radar detector is right there between Macy Gray, in the last year, having consumed the food equivalent of the gross national product of 12 Asian countries combined, and the staunch belief that Alan Cohen is the Devil and has made it his life’s work to torture Panther fans. (Macy Gray isn’t exactly the most relevant musical reference, but, having recently seen a video of the objects that are in constant orbit around her mid-section, I was slightly frightened. She seriously needs an intervention. In fact, I’ll do it. Macy, put down the turkey leg. Seriously. Thanks. Anyway, I digress.) At this point, you’re probably wondering to yourself, what the hell is he going on about? Very simply, because of my radar detector, I have come to an incredibly important, and somewhat frightening revelation; homeless people are aliens trying to infiltrate our society.

Continue reading A Day In the Life: "Hey, it's not dirt… It's space grime."…