By Jason
    January 22nd, 2006 at 11:00 am

It was one of those moments. I found myself stuck at proverbial "fork in the road"; where one decision had me being driven back home by my parents while I muttered obsenities under my breath, or, I'd be driven to a place that is not my home by a cop who is not related to me (or, might have been, but, that's really not the point here) while I muttered obsenities under my breath but felt somehow as if I'd reached some sort of closure in my life.  ¹ More to the point, if there was ever a time that I could point to as being the closest I've ever been to ending up on Death Row, last week was it. ² In fact, my whole experience with the Miami-Dade AND Broward County Clerk's office left me with a few lingering thoughts:

1. In an earlier article, I mistakenly described the Dade Clerk's office by claiming that the decomposing dead roach that was in the hallway for three whole weeks in the place formerly known as "the office" intimidated the Dade Clerks by the mere presence of two dead brains in one creature while they didn't have a combined brain, dead or alive. This was completely unfair of me and I apoligize for that.   Let me clarify.  I still stand behind my comments.  After this past week, now more than ever, I am convinced that the Dade Clerks simply aren't human.  Not that I want to risk insulting some alien culture, but, I'm not even sure the guy who gets stuck in a wood chipper ³ would meet the intellectual qualifications to work there.  I'm convinced that no human is stupid enough to reach such low levels of intelligence.  See, the mistake was more in the belief that this was in some way limited to the Dade Clerks Office.  I apologize.  I never meant to give Broward County so much respect.  Congratulations Broward.  Your clerks possess the same set of skills that a brain-stemless lab rat would have.  Bravo.
Continue reading The Thomas Jane (as Frank Castle) Scale Of Pissed-Offedness…

1. Of course, while this second option might present closure in the sense that my past problem had been ultimately resolved, there was certainly a little worry there that I'd be spending the next little while with somebody that has the body type of Andre the Giant and the sexual appetite of Carson from the Fab Five. I think you get the idea. (Of course, if you like that kind of thing, more power to you! One man's pain is another's victory. Who am I to judge?) [back]
2. Yeah, I'm perfectly aware that I'd be the one wearing the upside-down bandana around my forehead. I just hope the tatoo artist has some sort of skill. Not that it matters much I guess. Who can see their own back anyway? [back]
3. This HAS to be one of the most humiliating ways to go out!  You know how the story goes: genius is throwing branches into a wood chipper.  Woodchipper gets stuck.  Genius, without turning off wood chipper, jumps in to dislodge stuck branch.  In a moment of glory, Genius gets sucked into now fully operational wood chipper with the priceless expression on his/her face of a man who spent the previous ten minutes making out with that hot chick at the bar who has now revealed that the scarf around her neck was indeed hiding something.  Is there even some sort of reference for this?  I think in a future article, we'll have to explore just where, on the scale of fatal humiliating events, this would be.  It'd have to be near the top, right? [back]