By Murph
    June 22nd, 2008 at 1:01 am

hello, congregants. today i come to you angrified. i am angry at my fellow people. angry beyond all reason. angry enough that i am not sufficiently enjoying my bottle of Duvel, though i'm sure the 8.5% will kick in sooner or later.

why so angry you ask ? well,here goes. i'm pissed b/c my neighbors apparently belive that our neighborhood is one big dog toilet. they let their furry friends shit upon everyone's lawn and right in the street. they piss all over people'e flowers. do they pick up the errant feces ? nope. they just let them drop a shedooby anywhere their dogs want. want to shit on the lawn ? no problem. piss on someone's  car ? a-ok. leave a turd on the driveway ? awesome. drop it like its hot, dog.(and it usually is. piping hot)
Continue reading Get Off My Lawn !!!!!…

    By Murph
    June 8th, 2008 at 12:23 am

alrighty, my congregants. i have returned after a week off. i come to you this week speaking of  something that every man, being a man, has a God-given right to opt out of. when you're asked to do this, you should not hesitate. you should stand your ground and shout "NOOOO!!!!" to the heavens at the top of your lungs and not feel the least bit guilty about doing so.  what is this awful request you ask ? why i'll tell you. its when your lady asks you to go to the mall with her so she can go clothes and shoe shopping.

this is an awful aspect of relationships that every dude will encounter. his gal will ask him to come to the mall with her to engage in "a little bit of shopping". you look at your watch. its 11:30 am. (you realize that you aint getting back on that couch til halftime of the 3:30 games, at which point brent musberger will be hyping some Big-Ten chump as the greatest college football player ever. ) you know that you, if you agree to this loathsome request, that you, a man, will be in for some serious suffering.
Continue reading Just Say No…

    By Murph
    May 25th, 2008 at 3:18 pm

hello congregants. this week i come to speak to you of some things which have been aggravating me for quite some time now. these things have been around forever, with no chance of ever leaving unless someone, anyone comes out and opposes them. well, fellow COM people, i am that man. i shall oppose these horrible things until the day i drop.  what makes these awful things even more awful is that theu are totally unnecessary. there's no need for them to be seen. what are these monstroaities you ask ? well, i'll tell you. the evil of which i speak are commercials for "feminine products". they disgust me, and i think they gross out most other right minded men.

we've all been there. youre watchin something on tv, usually at dinner time, and the commercial hits the screen like a stinkbomb. "mom, ever get that time where you're feeling not so fresh ?" of "feminine itch and odor ruining your day?" or "is your va-jay-jay all outta whack ? stinky and gooey ?" and all thoughts of hunger disappear. in fact, what food you have swallowed is on its way back up your esophagus b/c you are so revolted. there is no need for talk of  funky ass bajingoes while i'm trying to eat a burger. none whatsoever.  seriously women, we don't need to know what products are available when you have a filthy hoo-hah.
Continue reading No Need….

    By Murph
    May 18th, 2008 at 12:07 pm

welcome, my congregation. this week i speak to you of an isidious parasite which feeds on the landscape oof america, a vile beast aided and abetted by, thats right, you guessed it, the women of this country.  a creature so foul that when men see ot hear of it, they run in the other direction, not stopping for food, beverage, or even to gaze upon whatever pair of exquisite breasts they may be flying right past. they need to escape this monster, or they will experience a serious amount of pain that no dude should ever have to endure. however, the ladies love this nasty critter, treating it like a puppy. whenever it comes around, they show it much love an affection, only encouraging future encounters.  what could be so awful, you ask ? what possesses the power to make men turn to quivering piles of fear ? the romantic comedy, thats what !!!!!!

these "romantic comedies", or "rom-coms" as they are known, are the WORST genre of cinema that has ever existed, bar none. the alien B-movies of the 1950s weren't this bad, and they had more cinematic value. every single one of them follows the EXACT same storyline, pretty much step for step. super-hot single gal, cant find love. she meets a very good looking guy who either cant find love himself, is a womanizer, or has suffered romantic tragedy. they meet, fall in love about 50 minutes in, 20 minutes later, the guy is seen doing something worthy of a bewildered jackass,(which may be a total misunderstanding, like hes hugging his ridiculouslu hot sister, not some floozy), and super-hot lonely girl leaves him. she improbably meets another man 5 seconds later, and out hero must win back her love, which he always does, to the sounds of cheeseball music. the end.  there are variations on this theme, but it's pretty much standard. the big one of this past spring, "Made of Honor" was pretty much a direct rip-off of "my best friend's wedding", but the studio went ahead with it anyhow, b/c they know that women will show up in droves to watch mcdreamy fall in love and make his "i'm in romantic angst" face for 2 hours.  critics dont usually say rip-off, but on this piece of junk some cried foul b/c it was just the reverse of "my best friend's wedding" , which was no great piece to be ripping off in the first place. julia roberts acting like a psychopath to stop a a guy from getting hitched b/c she cant find true love.  great stuff.
Continue reading Enough Is Enough…

    By Murph
    May 11th, 2008 at 9:56 pm

hello, my congregation. this week i intend to make this short and sweet. i know its mothers day and people got things to do. so i intend to tell dispense to you a little nugget of knowledge. a pearl of wisdom that is beyond price. there aint much in this world that is dead-on-right 100 % of the time, but this thing is,no doubt about it. this concept is one that all us men deal with on a daily basis, 24/7-365. it affects us all in different ways and to different degrees. it continues to confound and amaze long after we realize that it is true, and even though we know it, we still aren't ready for it at some times. what is this you ask ? well, here it is :

 
Continue reading The Church Of Man: The Universal Truth…

    By Murph
    May 4th, 2008 at 10:27 pm

its sunday, albeit sunday night. that means its time for another trip to the church of man. this week i speak on a subject near and dear to the hearts of all men. something we all have used in one way or another at some point in our lives as men. it is a great product, and has a variety of uses. sometimes its the first thing we check out in the mornings. sometimes it gets us through a rough patch or a dry spell. it helps us prepare for a date with that slammin hottie from down the hall.  shit, sometimes its just something to look at for the sheer fun of it. Alas, as with any other thing in our lives, women just freakin hate it. if you're in a relationship, your lady will 99.9 % sure disapprove of you using it, they'll even threaten to dump your ass over it even though it has nothing to do at all with her.  what is this thing of which i speak ? why porn, of course !!!

 
Continue reading The Church Of Man: It Ain't Cheatin'!…

    By Murph
    April 27th, 2008 at 2:16 am

alright, my congregation. i have returned to you here at the Church Of Man this week with a sermon of great importance to dudes everywhere.  as well all know, we here at tdl love us some womens. what we dont love however are some of the more annoying traits of female behavior. they are many and varied, but the one that merits special attention this morning is that all-too-common moment when you lady spots a chick who is hotness incarnate and goes "do you think shes pretty?" or "what about her, is she hot?" or "is she hotter than me?" and my favorite, "look at that slut" and you're looking for some floozy only to black out and drool for 10 seconds after spotting the hotness that you g/f is currently denigrating. seriously, this chick is so hot that carrot top could come whack you in the balls and you wouldn't notice it, transfixed as you are by her beauty, and here is your lady, asking you what you think of her. like its not obvious.

now i find this behavior aggravating to the extreme for many reasons. first of all ladies, you wouldn't be asking if you didn't think the hottie was attractive in the first place. (now i'm not talkin about your friend who cant get a date, who you go"shes cute right?" and your dude says yes, just so you can say "my b/f thinks yr cute, hang in there, you'll find someone") i'm talkin about when your cruising the mall, and you spot a five-alarm inferno of sexy.  you know shes hot when you ask, and you just want your guy to answer in the negative to show that he's sufficiently whipped into saying that she is indeed repulsive just to please you, despite the fact that he's pitching a tent in his shorts.
Continue reading The Church Of Man: Yes, She's Hotter Than You….

    By Murph
    April 20th, 2008 at 11:35 am

My fellow dudes, the time has come for something special here at tdl. it has been requested numerous times on this blog, but so far i have resisted the temptation to provide what has been asked for. but after witnessing something truly loathsome, i can resist no longer. i am starting the church of man.

the church of man will be a place where, on a weekly basis, i will "preach" about manly topics. some of these sermons/soliloquies/tirades may seem to have a misogynistic bent to them, but believ me, that is not the case. i am no misogynist. i love women. just not when they complain, go shoe shopping, rant about how their best friend is a total bitch, but won't say anything to the bitch's face, go on about their periods, and other such ridiculous behavior. truly the list is so long i doubt this blog has enough room for it. but other than that, we here at tdl love us some womens.
Continue reading The Church Of Man: The Time Has Come…