By Jason
    July 23rd, 2006 at 10:40 pm

I’d like to use this space to formally amend my man-crush list. (For those of you who aren't sure what a man-crush is, the fine folks at UrbanDictionary.com compiled a list of definitions that you might find useful.) I haven’t decided yet whether it’s a good or bad thing to be displaced off the list, but it’s something. Mr. Waterston… We need to talk…

When you go see a magician perform, it’s easy to be impressed. Every card-trick looks amazing, no matter what the difficulty level is. The dude pulls a rabbit out of the hat, and you, as the lay-observer, sit there and “ooh” and “aah”. On the other hand, the trained magician is much more critical. “Oh now, come on. You totally screwed that up!! What? You expect them to believe that?!?! How stupid are these people!?” That’s been my story with Law and Order.
Continue reading Time for some reshuffling……

    By Jason
    July 3rd, 2006 at 2:27 am

As a comic book guy, I grew up wishing I’d magically develop some sort of superpower. I always hoped one day I’d be sitting there doing something rather innocuous when all of a sudden, I cough, and shockwaves radiate around me. (I also wanted to be invisible, but, I gained a hundred pounds and that whole idea just flew out the f-n window, didn’t it?) Who didn’t want to be Wolverine or be able to leap off tall buildings like Spiderman or even fly like Superman? (Some would even say that every boy’s first man-crush began the first time he opened a comic book. Hell, just ask Shaq. Dude clearly has a major man-crush going on with Superman. It’s almost at the point where it’s not even healthy. Of course, I’m not one to tell him this, but, maybe someone closer to him could whisper it in his ear. Same thing with Seinfeld, although, he’s not nearly as intimidating.) As this idolization grows, you begin to learn stuff about the heroes you love. (Cyclopes shoots red “lasers” out of his eye. The Green Lantern has this kick-ass ring. ) You also memorize their uniforms. You learn that a lot of the superheroes wear masks. This way, they can keep their super-identity secret while they go about their everyday lives doing whatever it is a superhero would do when they’re not doing their superhero thing. Spiderman wears a mask. So does Batman. The list goes on, but there’s one BIG dude who won’t be found on the mask-wearing list: Superman. Instead, he prefers the more risqué uniform choice going with skin-tight spandex, a cape, and no mask. ((What’s up with the superheroes and spandex? No matter how cool the dude is, he is almost always dressed up in a fruity costume. Most of the time, they’re absolutely useless. Wolverine is Wolverine whether he’s in spandex or normal clothes. Same thing goes for almost every other superhero. The spandex, therefore, can serve no other purpose than to show off their roided-out physiques. This of course, is overkill and a touch silly. I mean, look dude. If you’re shooting LASERS out of your eyes, I’m impressed! If you can throw a car while making yourself a cup of coffee, bravo! You can stop with the spandex. You’re getting the chick, ripped or not. In fact, I’d bet that a 400 lb. 5’4” dude who can beat the crap out of you just by thinking about it would get the same amount of women. They dig that kind of thing. Anyway, I’m babbling…)

See, the fact that he doesn’t wear a mask is fine with me. I could totally understand him wanting everyone to recognize him. Hell, if I had an eighth of the powers that Superman has, I’d be freakin’ broadcasting it to the world too. This, in and of itself, is the problem that I have with the whole Superman premise. You’d KNOW it’s me because I’d be screaming it at you. You’d have no other choice than to stand (or sit) there and think, “wow, it’s him!” Doesn’t Superman do exactly the same thing? I mean, people, HE DOESN’T EVEN TRY to disguise himself! I guess if you count throwing on a pair of dorky glasses and straightening the “Superman hair-loop”, sure, he’s made a feeble attempt there, but is that ALL it takes?!? If Superman were to accidentally forget to take off his glasses, would people immediately stop doing whatever it is they were doing, scream “HOLY CRAP! THAT’S CLARK KENT!!” and walk around completely stunned for the rest of the day, because, after all, who saw that coming?
Continue reading It's a bird! It's a plane! It's…. Hey, who the hell is that?!?!…

    By Jason
    June 28th, 2006 at 3:43 pm

This article is in direct response to Mark Cuban's post on his weblog: Blog Maverick. The post itself is entitled "I'm sorry for what I make you cover."

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and he was telling me about this girl he knows. Apparently, she is completely taken by him, hangs on every word he says; just is generally crushing pretty hard. He knows that if he so much as started to suggest that they date, she'd be picking out wedding rings. The thing is, he also knows she's pretty vulnerable right now, which puts him in a tough position. See, no one asked this girl to fall for him. He never did anything to lead her on, so why should he care? Yet, he also knows that she's fallen for him, which means that he has to be extra careful to not hurt her. Who he's with, who he talks about, or even who he talks to is scrutinized by this girl to such a degree. Is it fair? Absolutely not. On the other hand, (assuming he's not an asshole) doesn't he now have an added responsibility to not hurt her?
Continue reading Someone call a press conference! This media coverage has to stop!!!…

    By Jason
    May 19th, 2006 at 5:34 pm

It's just a fact of life. We've all had at least one at one point, and, chances are, we'll have another one soon enough. Hell, sometimes we've had two or more at once. (Although, somewhere along the line, you really gotta sit down and question your dudeness here. I mean, a couple is one thing, but there's most definitely a line. At some point, that line gets crossed and pink becomes an acceptable fashion decision. Anyway, I digress…) I'm talking about man-crushes, and I'm man enough to admit it when I have one.

Those of you that know me (which, I'm assuming is somewhere above 90% of my readers, which isn't really saying much) know about my obsession with Law and Order. I have a problem. My obsession is beyond healthy at this point. In fact, right now, I have over 20 hours of tivo-ed Law and Order waiting for me. If I ever met Dick Wolf, I think I'd bypass the handshake and go straight to the man-hug. (Seriously. There's no question about it. In the pantheon of people who do great things, Dick Wolf is right up there with the dude who replaces the urinal cakes in the men's room. That is a pretty big honor. When you think about it, how much money would you have to get before you'd even consider being the cake replacer? That dude (or lady) is really taking on for the team on that one.) As great as he is, though, he's not my man-crush. You see, that honor is bestowed on Sam Waterston.
Continue reading Of Mice and Man-Crushes (and Urinal Cakes)…

    By Jason
    February 7th, 2006 at 1:03 am

Immediately after watching what had to be the worst Super Bowl in the history of the universe (well, not immediately, but, you get the idea), I get a frantic message from my buddy Murph who is now, more than ever, convinced that the NFL fixes games. At the time, I laughed it off. There's no way the NFL would fix games right? I mean, even the Lions won some games, and if EVER there was a team that played like it was their intent to throw a season, it was them, right? (We can all agree that Matt Millen hates Detroit and it's fans at this point, can't we? Seriously. What more does someone have to do to merit getting fired? You're reading it here first. At some point next season, Millen is going to run naked onto Ford Field's…uhm…field, screaming obscenities, wreaking of cheap Scotch, and flipping the bird to the crowd consisting of all two hundred people who keep going to the games JUST for this very moment, with, "Why won't you let me leave this damn city!?!" written in black marker across his wrinkled naked body. Talk about high comedy. I might buy the NFL package JUST to tivo every Lions game. Ok, where were we? Oh yeah, G-d had the Steelers at 12-1.) The more I thought about it, the more it all made perfect sense. Not only did the NFL fix the season, it did so because it HAD to! After last night's debacle, it all came full circle; G-d took the Steelers at 12-1. Don't believe me? Here's just SOME of the things that had to happen in order for the Steelers to not only win the Super Bowl, but also cover that suspect 4 point spread in the process:

1. You can't even talk about any other team having a legitimate chance of making the Super Bowl out of the AFC until you some how knock off what was quickly becoming one of the greatest NFL dynasties ever. At the start of the season, was there any reason to think the Patriots wouldn't win the Super Bowl? Of course not! Then it happened. The injury bug didn't just hit the Patriots, it did so in a way that had Dustin Hoffman gitty as a schoolgirl with the possibility of a new storyline for the sequel to Outbreak. (I don't think there's actually one in the works, but, considering the move into relative obscurity Hoffman's career has taken, I wouldn't be surprised. I know. I'll get off the Hoffman rant. I just can't let it go. I won't. Live with it. I do.) Not only did Corey Dillon, seemingly overnight, turn into Irving Spikes (without the jail time), almost the entire defense saw time on the injury report. These things don't just happen! Especially not the Patriots! What's more, they STILL made the playoffs!! That's when it happened; in Denver no less. Tom Brady, the same QB that was 1,423-0 in the playoffs, suddenly throws 18 picks, completes 1 pass that went for an 18-yard loss, and, as Bill Simmons would say, played almost the entire game with the "Manning face" comprising almost every facial expression that he made. You're telling me there weren't greater forces at work? If G-d, him/herself wasn't stirring the pot, how else would Jake Plummer suddenly win a playoff game? There was more at work here. There had to be. That's the only explanation.
Continue reading The Chosen Team, Dustin Hoffman, A Seductive Sheep, and Other Random Offerings……

    By Jason
    January 31st, 2006 at 2:05 am

So you're probably wondering, "why the hell is Jason writing something at 2:00 A.M.?" Actually, you probably couldn't care less and weren't thinking anything remotely close to that, but, work with me here. After watching two straight hours of tivo'ed "Flavor of Love" episodes (Yes, I am obsessed with this show. It is without equal in unintentional comedy. Simply amazing.), I decided to check out VH1 Reality World's Flavor site. Among the gems on this site (I just don't know what to say there… This clearly is the worst show in the history of reality tv. I don't think there's ever been a show NEARLY as horrible as Flavor of Love. I haven't decided yet if the girls are genuinely the way they are on the show, or, if they're just that bad at acting. This might actually make a solid challenge for the coveted "Worst Show In the History of the World" Award. It's absolutely pointless. I LOVE it. I digress…) are various links to different MySpace pages for some of the girls that were vying for Flava Flav's heart. (So long as they can put up with Flava's wandering lips, that is. Apparently his one true love has to be able to deal with the fact that Flava Flav, now in his mid-40s, can't be so confined to one woman. I mean, who can blame the man? There must be hundreds of dirty-desperate-misguided women that flock to him whereever he goes. So many diseases, so little time… (Except for a couple. Hoopz is cute. So is Smiley. Goldie's my favorite though. She's country!)) After checking out Smiley's MySpace page (please, just let it go… I promised myself I'd keep it inside) I mosied on over to the Flavor 'O Love page where I found it. You too can have Flava give you your own very special flavorized nickname. Mine? Lace. Yes. That's right. Lace. There it is. I'm going to go repeatedly punch myself in the groin now.

    By Jason
    January 17th, 2006 at 10:12 pm

We’ve all had times in our life where we come out vehemently opposed to or completely behind an idea, only to then see the proverbial light. It’s happened throughout the course of history. For example, when we all found out that Guns ‘N’ Roses was reunited, who didn’t have the “HELL YEAH!” attitude? Then, shortly after their first performance, we all kind of thought to ourselves, “uhm… …” and then pretended like it never happened. (55 million Bush supporters could relate.) (As long as we’re on the subject, you have to think that this was the exact line of thought shared by Eric Banner after “Hulk”. Is it possible for a starring role in a blockbuster movie to completely destroy your career prospects? Sure, he looked a little menacing uttering that “you don’t want to see me when I’m angry” line, but, it wasn’t the line he was reacting to. It was him thinking “ten years of serving burgers at Ted’s Diner for this crap? I can’t believe I need to learn to work a frialator again. This is so unfair!”) (Also, probably anyone who’s ever been on a reality TV show, and lost. I can’t be more specific than that because I swore off reality TV a long time ago as a sure sign of the apocalypse. I’d just think that there HAS to be some regrets there.) (I swear this is the last one: anyone who’s ever slept with Paris Hilton. I’m not elaborating.) Well, to make a long story short, I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong, and, well, I’m wrong.

HDTV has shown me a world I never knew existed. Sure, I still hate Billy goes to Bosnia (or whatever the hell that travelogue is called) but, True Music is AMAZING! It’s even entertaining with the sound on!! Katie Daryl is simply the best thing to happen to TV since Brooke Burke. Plus, she wins because she comes into our living room in amazing HD quality. The show features little vignettes on various crappy bands you’ve either heard of and hated, heard of and tolerated (only to hear play live and subsequently hate, i.e., Alien Ant Farm), or have never heard of but now find mildly amusing because you can tell that they really want to be liked. (The lead singer for Vibe had that whole “come on guys… please turn around?” look on his face as they were jumping up and down (presumably because no one else was) on stage.) Daryl steals the spotlight though. Anyway, with this in mind, here are a few more random thoughts that have consumed my mind of late…
Continue reading That's Mr. Cabral to you….

    By Jason
    January 17th, 2006 at 10:08 pm

I was hoping to have added the word equivalent of two Tolstoyian chapters to my wiki at this point. After all, the masses [consisting of the 11 registered users, the 2 computer hackers experiencing the emotional roller-coaster equivalent to that of the Ocean's Eleven crew busting into Fort Knox only to discover that the collection of gold was traded in for a massive stash of Jose Conseco rookie cards sometime during the Reagan Administration while Ronnie ran around the White House screaming, "Hey Nancy! If you thought Star Wars was a great idea, wait till you get a load of what I just did! It's a "can't miss!!!", and about 11 billion indifferent internet users who either have never heard of me (a very large percentage), have heard of me but simply don't care (a very small percentage), or believe me to be the child molester that is indeed someone else with the same name living in Dade County (really, what are the chances?)] are simply itching with excitement waiting for new spewage to come barreling out of my fingertips onto your screen so you can once again be greatly disturbed, humored, sickened, entertained, or further pushed deeper into your already enveloping sense of deep depression. Have no fear. After battling some combination of the Avian flu (did anyone else think that the French were plotting against us again the first time you heard about the new pandemic on the news?), SARS, dysentery, and a little nasal congestion, you'll be happy to know that, while i feel no different, nothing inspires writing like a rousing two-hour battle with the company database system. Well, that, and being laid up for the last four days with the occasional trip to the orange bowl, heat game, local bar, or the hospital (more on that later) being the notable exceptions.

Now, as much as I wanted to write over the weekend, I figured whatever drug induced verbiage that I'd come up with would probably rank on the scale of awful somewhere between Omar Kelly, anything ever written by Bill O'Reilly, and the entire sports staff of the Miami Herald with the notable exception being Edwin Pope (well, anything he wrote prior to turning 213 years old) and occasionally Dan LeBatard (stick to the radio gig Dan). The problem is, instead of writing, I spent waaaay too much time sitting either in bed or downstairs in one of the dental office chairs that my father thinks is the greatest invention to effect modern society since the mute switch and Rosanne reruns. (I'm currently holding out hope that someone will invent visual mute technology. Instead of not being able to hear the person, you won't have to SEE the person, but, at the same time, you'll still get to see the rest of the show. If hundreds of thousands of people weren't immediately violently ill the minute Rosanne popped onto the screen at the opening credits of her show, it probably would've ranked up there in the pantheon of 2nd tier quality shows that everyone watched but no one actually admits to seeing such as Growing Pains, Who's the Boss, Full House, and The Golden Girls. (Speaking of which, I’d be willing to bet a strip-off featuring Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty would be another one of those shows where everyone would act absolutely horrified, the Gross National Product of the country would plummet within days of it’s airing simply because millions of unsuspecting viewers turned to stone, yet, a strong majority of the population would tune in out of nothing else but a sense of morbid curiosity.)) Anyway, cutting to the point (whatever it might be), I thought it might be mildly interesting to share some thoughts from this weekend. Judging from this intro, I’ll probably turn this into a multi-part series. Hey, if you’re reading this, it’s not as if you have anything better to do anyway!
Continue reading Hey Jeb! I dun seen his soul!! (part 1 of a series)…